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trash into treasure…meaning from loss…random thoughts

April 1, 2013

I never knew i’d be here…sick…chronically…

it’s true what “they” say…don’t get old, don’t get sick…

I’m tired of feeling bad, feeling bad for myself…but the pain, despite meditation , prayer and meds still brings my mind back to this stupid body with it’s pain, limitations and demands for attention I barely have the energy to meet…

and…even after 4 years…
it’s still a shock to wake up in pain every day…
I can’t even plan a future…
I feel a prisoner to the present…
I try to love the present since literally it is all I can be sure of because tomorrow is totally unknown and unplanable…I don’t have the physical ability to know that I can even make something of tomorrow if I make it that far…and barring some freakish accident…i will make it to tomorrow I just don’t know and can’t plan a future of independence…my present and future are totally subject to others mercy and provision…for now…and I may have to reinvent myself AGAIN…this isn’t all bad…if the docs say, “You can’t go back to nursing.”…reinvention will be required…

It’s like God keeps wiping my slate clean like a disappointed geometry professor (though to me He feels angry with my ineptitude for His equation), “Wrong, wrong, wrong…begin again and this time follow the therums…you are making it too hard my daughter. Be what I made you to be, not what others say you should be. Every time you listen to others I have to wipe your slate again.”

…I keep letting the expectations of others or their needs for how they expect me to conform get in the way…I don’t want to disappoint or let down…I know these are not His rules…they are the rules i keep trying, idiotically, to superimpose over His perfection…tainting the balance He intends…I want to learn my lessons well…I don’t want to make another trip around this sun…if that’s how it works.

I cannot DO anything i used to do, exercise, play, vacation, work…I miss work and exercise the most…the blissful exertion and a sense of accomplishment
even too much typing is a no-no
My child cries and tells me he wants a mommy who can pick him up, run, get on the floor for picnics and trains… and do what other mommies do…i cry with him and tell him I want the same thing for him (for me) and that even though my body doesn’t work like it used to, my heart works even better than before, because it loves deeper…he feels that, acknowledges it and it is the only statement that stills his sadness.

i am in a box of thought…thinking, thinking, thinking…perhaps I’m making up for lost time…time wasted in acting without really thinking…now I can think…can’t help but think…think, think, think…

New question…can I think my way into creation?


From → random musings

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