What do I write here? so many things seem to be converging at one time. My heart beats fast and my belly flops. My mind can’t catch up so it tells me these moments are nothing more than coincidence. I have to tell it to SHUT UP…I’m trying to listen.
So many cross roads of past years, and choices have rendered me desperate to make better/different and scary choices now. Choices that have no safety nets or guarantees of perceptions of acceptable success. Success itself, its definition having been transformed in concept for me from social acceptability and outward standards to, the internal listening and guiding of that small still voice…the voice that wont’ let me sleep when I’m resistant, the one that mocks me in love when I choose lesser tasks or human made security…a lethal mirage.
Events of this week in order:
1)Parental, earthly father, release to become myself rather than their version of me.
2) parent counseling session with wonderful supporter of the truest and scariest expression of myself, provided encouragement to explore what expression of myself would look like in context of my talents.
3) My son pointing to a heart sticker with a crack down the middle and stating boldly, “Mommy, do you see this? That will never happen to our love.”
4) Hurting for my son…innocent victim of divorce… who desperately tells me, “Mommy don’t make me go to Daddy’s…my body can’t take it. I want to be with you. Daddy doesn’t love me like you do.” I am his mother…called to heal and bind up what is broken…especially when I’m the one who broke it, “Momma always comes back for you. We carry each other’s love in our hearts. you came from me…we both come from God…we are never apart even when we can’t touch.”…but I also feel like his executioner each time I have to deliver him to his father’s door against his will, he speaks in a small, soft, pleading…bleeding tones…his pain palpable as his voice breaks under strains and sobs… este dolor lo que llevo consistamente… I tried, unwisely and of course unsuccessfully, to dull… with too many shots of Makers Mark after dropping him off and watching him reluctantly cross his Dad’s threshold after so many thrown air kisses and hugs tossed into the dark distance between us at that evening’s exchange. I know he’s safe with his father and that his father loves him, though differently…but…if I could have cut out my heart and left it with him to ease his despair…hand me the spoon I’m ready, no hesitation. There has to be a church open, somewhere…like in the movies…next time I have to go where I can get closer to You…not to Makers Mark…You are The Maker and You’ve marked me…You are my only comfort in these times I want to be numb.
5)Recognition of unhealthy “need” for comfort and questioning of all past relationships and my tendency to be the one holding onto the shadows of a fictitious concept of relationship with past “loves”…in the words of Elvis, “one-sided love affairs”…I being the idiot…pouring all the love, though unwanted, into these mirages…disillusion and rejection of course the ultimate conclusion…though for some reason I couldn’t see myself doing this thing in this blind cycle…until now…always the pursuer, never the pursued…done with this…Pursuit on both sides is what I am worthy of and am willing to give. It is the only Way for me.
6) Realizing I do not want anything that is not freely given, relationship or goods or money. Nor do I want to give what I do not feel compelled to give.
7) Poetry and creative writing class at public library with spoken word poet Elizabeth Rene Bellinger, met wonderful undiscovered local poets…found like minds…a beautiful message from the group leader…thank you…slumber is no longer an option.
8)found beauty in unexpected places, on unscripted city excursion…Saturday morning in Downtown Orlando…God was everywhere…from the Christ Building and the 20’s architecture to curiosity about the life stories of the vagrants, as well as the dried vomit on the sidewalks that had been poorly washed away by the last nights rain.
9) Conversation with a kindred spirit, about how I have come to accept that though I do not want to be hurt by those I love, I accept it as a forgone conclusion that it will happen…perhaps on levels that may shatter me…and that I am actively forgiving even now…before the hurting is committed, because when we hurt others…more often than not we hurt ourselves the most.
10) Watched movies on TV: “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” and “To the Wonder.” There are no words for these movies and their place in my life right NOW. to try and convey the meaning they have for my heart and mind…I can’t do it justice right now…the realizations are still settling.
11) Attendance of the church I know I belong in, and stepping out to serve that church with my gifts…feeling strangely revealed in expressing where I’d like to serve…vocally for service and with the children as a story teller…as well as women’s ministry for the women of the 33rd street jail.
Each of these pieces will contribute to my whole. I know this because they make my heart beat hard and fast with an eagerness and anticipation I’ve not tasted for so many years but recognize even on it’s approach from so far away that is as a fleck on the horizon of my mind. My heart beat hard and fast…like the last time I was kissed in the middle of the street by someone I love, who I hope will love me enough to risk, as I also risk…someone who I hope will be as curious about my life as I am about theirs. I feel full and hungry, scared and comforted, exerted and relaxed…multiple opposites in a harmonious cacophony.
What I know…I cannot go backwards…seeking comfort to cover pain…with food, alcohol, sex or any other “thing” that I may allow to take the place of You. These are gifts You’ve given me to enjoy, but not by which to be consumed. To go backwards is to die spiritually, and to live a life of death and an unused heart. So drown me now in meaning, serving, loving, seeing and seeking You. Life is meaningless without You. I don’t want to keep You in my poorly constructed box…don’t let me hide…I want to play with You in the eternal…please burn the box.