Freakin reality TV
First, I don’t really enjoy TV. It eats time and brain. But last night I watched The Bachelor with a girlfriend. Her house, her TV. Anyhow…just as I settled into being content with singlehood, since there’s no point fighting where I am and the fact that I don’t hide these illnesses from even dates though few and far between…why spare them or deceive them…they deserve to know up front…I have challenges which mean from day to day I may have varying levels of pain and ability…I don’t blame them for stopping pursuit once they see it’s evidence.
At any rate I have accepted that love may not present in the traditional form I was raised to look for and believe in. So a bit like a beggar (or a grateful recipient) I told myself I’d be content to receive what comes, as it comes, for as long as it chooses to stay, withhold expectation and dedicate myself to only enjoying the moments because tomorrow is an illusion, and I’d rather live and be loved for a few moments rather than starve for my lifetime because the perfect preconceived feast didn’t offer itself up.
Anyway…I watched this inane contrived show and realized, how hungry for love I am. Then I began to ask why. I have friends, family a beautiful son who all love me. I stay connected to a spiritual life where I feel the love of my creator. I can also say honestly I’ve come to love myself over the last 5 years. I don’t mind being alone, I rather like it…but I think in that space I found what I crave.
It’s loving touch.
As a western society (broad generalization) we don’t do touch, Unless it’s a handshake, brief hug, or staccato shoulder pat.
But as a grown woman that’s not the kind of touch I need. I need a caring caress down the length of my cheek, a careless hand to play with the small stray hairs at the nape of my neck when I’ve had it twisted up all day, or a passing caress of a living hand across my shoulders as I’m working…where I can feel the intention of love, appreciation, and connection. What’s more I NEED to do this for someone else. I need to connect. I do this for my son. I fear I’m creating an addict. He comes home from his father’s and states, “mommy cuddle me please, I’m dying for love.” His dad’s not a cuddler.
These kinds of touch come from loving relationships with people who can see us…on myriad of levels in a holistic fashion. I have a few friends who can connect this way…ok, one. She and I often joke if one of us were male we’d be married already.
But my question is why do we stop touching? Is it our fear of sex or simply the tendency to equate that form of touch with intimacy? I think it’s the intimacy issue.
Married or committed couple relationships die due to lack of intimacy…the willingness to be vulnerable and spiritually naked to each other. Then the sex dies. Then next thing they know they are looking for connection somewhere else. It’s not sex they seek, not really, it’s simply the language we use as adults to say, “will u know me? Do u desire me? Am I beautiful/handsome? Can u help me help myself? I’m starving for connection…can we feed each other? Would u accept me?”
This of course is only my opinion. It’s been my experience and observation. So…I hate to admit, but The Bachelor actually added to my existence by catalyst of asking questions to shake me from complacency, masquerading as contentment. Thank you un-reAlity TV, for enlightening me to myself.